Crying?!

 This was a real surprise. When we first learned of the ALS diagnosis we cried together. ALS is very scary and unfamiliar waters. And an unconditional final conclusion: it is fatal. A couple crying sessions seems very justified and normal. But then I found myself crying about very simple things. A motivational speech by a sports coach. A very predictable ending from a Hallmark-like Christmas movie. A song from the past on Pandora. This is not the out and out sobbing as when we first heard the diagnosis but real tears sneaking out the corner of my eyes and small whimpers. A new experience for me. It brought questions from Ingrid of “Are you okay?”. Of course I hid what was going on and responded, “I’m fine!”.

This low level weeping continued. I thought they might pass or that I could control them. I even asked the neurologist about it. He explained it was a normal symptom from the ALS that effected some patients. He said it could be controlled with medication. Did I want a prescription? I’m on about 15 different medications already and I thought the condition is very new to me. Crying didn’t seem that bad and most times no one noticed. I did not want another medication to worry about and turned down the offer. 

So here I am having this new (to me) experience. At home, as I said, I experience the crying more as just tears in my eyes and a low tone.  No big deal. Ingrid doesn’t seem to react. But, then again, she is hard of hearing. I try to see how much I can control the weeping. I am doing pretty well. But it has me wondering about weeping and laughing. 

I think my laughing has increased. In day-to-day events, Ingrid and I often end up smiling and laughing together. Much more than we used to. It’s a good thing! There has been no questioning about the increased smiling and laughing. I think it’s because we have always had an up and happy time. Certainly, another thing to be grateful for and why the crying is surprising. 

The conclusion is a lot more emotions in my life. That’s what is new. My life previously required lots of planning, organizing, thinking, and executing. Even my new hobbies in retirement. I did not have time or capacity for the emotions. And now, here they are. 

My concern is whether this is how I want to be seen by people that do not know the other me. But that’s life. People know you from whatever time they know you. We are all complex with many aspects and always evolving. The unique nature of having ALS is the speed at which the change from Busy Neil to Limited Neil occurred. As Popeye said, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am”. However I would add, that is not all that I was. I am learning to accept what I am and enjoy it.